Dear Cthulhu:
Greetings, Great Old One! Hope I
didn’t catch you at a bad time, but I sort of felt like this couldn’t wait. You
see, I have a concern I’m hoping you can address.
Some of us pathetic creatures to
whom you are malignantly indifferent, i.e. human beings, get around in wheeled
contraptions. Most of the time, we manage fine, despite the roadblocks – broken
sidewalks, lack of curb ramps, out-of-service elevators -- thrown our way. In
fact, if the built environment was a bit more inclusive, wheeling around wouldn’t
be such a big deal. So you can rest easy; I’m not asking you to place your prodigious
claws on me and heal me like some sweaty tent evangelist in a bad toupee.
No, I’m writing to you for a very
different reason. After years of research, including countless hours spent in musty-smelling
antiquarian book shops, I discovered an ancient jungle temple dedicated exclusively
to you. Imagine my jubilation when I discovered a place here on lowly Earth where
I might feel a connection to you. Why, the world around me became tinted with a
colour out of space!
I put my life on hold, dedicating
my every thought, my every ounce of energy to reaching that holy place. I made
the month-long journey to the temple on the back of a flatulent donkey, guided
by little more than a map in Esperanto and a Garmin watch.
I shall never forget the day I caught
sight of that temple’s Cyclopean walls, eerily hidden in an eldritch shadow out
of time. Why, I cried out to Yog-Sothoth with joy! I reached inside my Miskatonic
University tote bag and took out my inflatable beard (see attached photo.) But
then, imagine my despair when I reached the temple’s entrance.
The dang thing has steps!
After all my time, energy and
devotion, I was excluded from entering, unable to gaze at the high altar or sacrifice
a goat or even check out the clearance table in the adjoining gift shop! Is
there nothing that can be done?
Of course I see the paradox inherent
in the situation: you have infinite powers yet total indifference to my plight.
Still, I hope that you might pull a few strings and get a ramp installed. It’s
not asking much, really. In fact, you’ll even earn yourself a tax credit that’s
nothing to sneeze at.
Until then, I shall wait in my
jungle lean-to, the donkey and swarms of unspeakably huge bugs my only companions.
Yours truly,
A humble daughter of Dagon
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