The Edge of the Abyss

The Edge of the Abyss
Depression is not a sign of weakness

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

2016 New Year’s Resolutions: Always Look on the Bright Side of Life



I’ve never been a big fan of making New Year’s resolutions. I mean, I fail to live up to a variety of personal goals as it is. Why rub salt in even more wounds?
But the idea of making a fresh start is appealing. It’s imbued with that earnestness I so love in young people who haven’t yet figured out how much life can really suck.
So, here goes:
·       When someone hollers at me: “Slow down, little lady. You’re gonna get a speeding ticket!” I will resist the urge to shout back: “You better stop passing gas – you’re gonna get a farting ticket!”

·       If a complete stranger walks up to me and demands to know intimate details about my disability, I will refrain from asking them: (1) about a history of their STDs, (2) why their eyes are so close together, or (3) how they feel about their momma getting passed around at Sturgis like a day-old deli tray.

·       The next time a God twaddler hands me a religious tract, I will resist the urge to pantomime one of Miley Cyrus’s poses for her Terry Richardson photo shoot. (You saw them -- don’t act so innocent.)

·       I will resist the urge to think very mean thoughts about insurance companies, banks and Donald Trump. (OK, I will at least try.)

·       I will not allow myself to feel depressed when I watch TV network news and all of the commercials are for prescription drugs and “wealth management” services. (I will allow myself to feel old, however.)

·       I will not smash the ramp on my van into the car parked by a moron in the adjoining access aisle. (You know, the cross-hatched area between two handicapped parking spaces where no one is supposed to park.) That is, I will not smash their car more than five times. Per minute.

·       I will not beat myself up when I break any of the above by Jan. 2, 2016.

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