Dear Santa:
It’s been a few years since I last wrote to you.
Like, 45. Probably makes you wonder why I’m sending you this letter now.
First off, let me assure you I’m not writing to ask
you for any gifts for myself. I mean, there are some neat-o gizmos that any gimp,
myself included, would love. For example, I wouldn’t mind having a speedometer.
Why, you ask? So the next time a stranger (that is, the 4,739th stranger)
looks at my chair and asks me “how fast can that thing go?” instead of yelling “bite
me,” I can actually holler out a number.
I also wouldn’t mind receiving a pair of shoes. And
I’m not talking about a pair of SAS orthopedic, turd brown lace-up Oxfords,
like us crips and Denny’s waitresses are so fond of. No siree. I’m talking about
a pair of Christian Louboutin Highness Tattoo Dragon platform pumps with a
seven inch heel. (If you’re not familiar with Mr. Louboutin’s creations, think
back to the type of shoes that only strippers used to wear. For a cool $1,595, now lady
executives, lawyers and doctors can wear ‘em, too.)
And I wanna be clear: there’s no way on God’s green Earth I could ever
stand in those shoes, let alone take a few steps. What I’d like to do is scuff
up the soles real good so they look like they’ve been walked in a whole lot. I’d
put them on, get in my wheelchair and go out in public. I’d be sure to sit in
the chair so the bottoms of the shoes can easily be seen. Then, I’d take photos
of the reactions on people’s faces. I would even create an Instagram account
for them.
But enough about my flights of fancy. The real point of this letter is to
ask for Christmas gifts for other very deserving people: people who have taken
positions on issues affecting us crips. The gifts would show gratitude for
their valiant efforts for disability rights.
- First, Santa, please bring gifts for the politicians. In particular, I’m talking about the ones who say that the Americans with Disabilities Act hurts business owners. How does the ADA hurt them, you ask? Apparently, requiring a ramped entrance or lowered counters is likely to bankrupt restaurants, stores, theaters, etc. So, even though the ADA is a federal civil rights law, the politicos want to enable businesses to opt-out of it. Otherwise, the entire U.S. economy will collapse just like it did right after the Civil Rights laws of the 1960s were passed. (It did, right?) And we can’t have that. So, Santa please give these politicians the gift of not getting re-elected so they can make an honest living flipping burgers at businesses that discriminate against gimps.
- The next group of folks that deserve gifts are the architects, builders and town planners that oppose visitability. Visitability is the movement to change the way homes are constructed so that new homes will have things like a zero-step entrance, interior doors wide enough for wheelchairs, and a half bath on the main floor. Visitability objectors claim these things quash creative design and even worse, give the false impression that non-gimps might someday cross over into gimpdom! For those who are against visitability, please, Santa, give them the gift of six months in a long-leg cast and the inability to use crutches. This will require them to climb stairs on their hands and knees just to get the crapper. Think of the toughness of personal character this will build in those who oppose building accessible homes!
- And last but not least, Santa, please bring something special for people who lie about their pets. You know, the inventive folks who dress up their Shih Tzus and Rottweilers in nylon vests and claim they’re service dogs just so they can take them into the Gap and Olive Garden. Such resourcefulness deserves recognition, even if it creates ill feelings toward and distrust of disabled folks with genuine service dogs. For these folks, please give them the gift of a dog bite that gets infected so they end up with a pronounced limp. That way, even if they happen to misplace the dog vest and service dog ID card they purchased from a phony company on the Internet, they won’t need ‘em. The limp will speak loud and clear.
Well, Santa, I guess I’ve asked for my annual quota of gifts, so I’ll sign
off. I’ll have to ask you for gifts for condo and home owners’ associations
that bully disabled people next year.
Love,
Heidi
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