THE PERILS OF OVERTHINKING

Often, life is about simply putting one foot in front of the other -- without tripping yourself -- as you move from Point A to Point B. I don’t care for tattoos, but I’m tempted to have that statement memorialized on my arm.

 

I’m what’s called, in psychotherapy parlance, a ruminator. I tend to over-think and rehash things in my mind. My natural urge is not to move along the shortest line between two points but rather to take a tortuous route with lots of tangential side trips and backtracking.

 

I spend too much time inside my own head and not enough time living in the moment. I do this partly because it’s in my nature. But I also attribute it to my disability.

 

I have orthopedic issues; my mobility is quite limited. And this limits my options for physical activity. Other than walking a few steps now and then, my only viable exercise is adapted aquatics. While I love getting in the pool and moving through the water, I yearn for unadulterated, naked speed.

 

In the first eight years of my life – before arthritis came into the picture – I loved riding my bike. I would seek out large, empty parking lots in which I could pedal for all I was worth. I was enthralled by the feeling of zooming through space with nothing between me and the air.

 

When I meditate and tune out the world, I can recall what it felt like to run. The synapses fire and little smatterings of memories return. I’m once again a little girl in sneakers aware of nothing but my body’s forward motion and the emotional thrill it brings.

 

Sometimes I’ll even remember the long-lost joy of climbing trees. Once again, I’m straining with all my might to reach an overhead branch. My shoulders feel like they will pull from their sockets. Then I’m 20 feet above the ground in a maple tree that feels like the top of Everest. It’s a rush of joy, fear, and sheer power. It feels as if anything is possible.

 

To be clear, I don’t miss physical activity because I see myself as somehow broken or because it would make my life more meaningful. I simply want, from time to time, to get off the hamster wheel of mental rumination. I want to move without thinking.

 

I want to simply feel.